Archive for July, 2012
July 31st, 2012 | 
Author: It took less than 12 hours for the Fargo Forum to address the controversy Monday after the paper’s “celebrations editor” e-mailed Allison Johnson, saying the paper would not publish her wedding announcement. Dianna Baumann also promised to refund the $25 publication fee.
Johnson, 31, channeled her disappointment into social media, drawing support from as far as Europe and Australia and sparking a petition on Change.org. By Monday night, the Fargo Forum editor had posted a statement on the paper’s Facebook page saying it was “reviewing its policy about publishing same-sex announcements.”
“This is the second such request in recent months. We will communicate a decision once it’s made,” Forum Editor Matt Von Pinnon said.
On Tuesday, Johnson and her fiancee, 27-year-old Kelsey Smith, met with the paper’s editor and publisher and said they left feeling hopeful.
Johnson and Smith met in Minneapolis six years ago and became a couple in 2008. The proposed wedding announcement described their plan to marry in New York on August 1, followed by a reception on August 4 in Fargo, where Smith was born and raised.
After receiving the rejection e-mail, Johnson took a screen shot of it and shared it with friend and iReporter Gia Rassier, who posted it on Twitter, CNN iReport and Facebook. The image was shared more than 600 times and “spread like wildfire,” Rassier said.
Johnson followed up with an open letter to the Fargo Forum and the mayor of Fargo and shared it on Facebook.
“It is a sad day when two people so in love, about to commit their lives to one another, cannot even engage in the smallest of privileges to honor this union,” she wrote.
“I ask each of you reading this to explain to me WHY, in a city that we call home, where we are days away from becoming homeowners in Fargo, where we support every person that does good for their community, are we excluded from being able to announce our wedding celebration? What makes two women or two men any different from other taxpaying married citizens of Fargo, N.D.?”
Regardless of the outcome, they said they knew the paper’s policy doesn’t reflect Fargo’s welcoming attitude toward the LGBT community. Besides, they said, the ensuing support has outweighed all the initial negativity.
“This is 10 times better than a little announcement in the local paper,” said Smith. “I’m still proud to call Fargo my home.”
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A rich, handsome man charms a young innocent with lavish gifts and bold declarations of desire. With a smoldering gaze, he melts her insides, turns her legs to jelly and paralyzes her subconscious, paving the way for hot sex scenes while she attempts to crack his steely veneer.
Formulaic as it is, E.L. James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy is poised to become one of the fastest-selling series in recent years, with 20 million copies sold in the United States and 31 million worldwide since March. Movie rights are spoken for, and in addition to becoming the subject of online parodies, a “Saturday Night Live” sketch, a musical and hotel marketing gimmicks, the S&M-flavored love story of a recent college grad and a billionaire CEO is also credited with boosting sales of sex toys, driving women to hook-up sites and fueling a craze over sexual domination.
What’s behind the trilogy’s runaway success? The books hit the romance novel scene at just the right moment, insiders say, riding a wave of smart marketing and benefiting from the erotica world’s e-book savvy. Plus, if the plot and characters sounds a bit like “Twilight” fan fiction, it’s because they’re modeled after them.
The most potent (and obvious) factor is that sex sells, and kinky romances like “Fifty Shades” are sating women’s lust for erotica-lite, said Jaclyn Friedman, author of “What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex & Safety.”
“The popularity of ‘Fifty Shades’ speaks to the fact that the dominant model of mainstream pornography and ideas of sex are targeted at men. The fantasy starts when he’s into it and ends when he’s done,” she said.
“A lot of women have said that they’ve learned the most about what sex could be for them from erotica novels,” she said. “These stories focus on female desire and what’s in it for the woman, and there’s not a lot of that in mainstream culture.”
Whatever the case, sex has long been selling erotic tales, earning spots on best-seller lists and testing attitudes toward sexuality. The heroine in French author Pauline Reage’s “Story of O” consented to being whipped and branded more than 50 years before Anastasia Steele signed Christian Grey’s non-disclosure agreement and terms for becoming his submissive in “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
A rich, handsome man charms a young innocent with lavish gifts and bold declarations of desire. With a smoldering gaze, he melts her insides, turns her legs to jelly and paralyzes her subconscious, paving the way for hot sex scenes while she attempts to crack his steely veneer.
Formulaic as it is, E.L. James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy is poised to become one of the fastest-selling series in recent years, with 20 million copies sold in the United States and 31 million worldwide since March. Movie rights are spoken for, and in addition to becoming the subject of online parodies, a “Saturday Night Live” sketch, a musical and hotel marketing gimmicks, the S&M-flavored love story of a recent college grad and a billionaire CEO is also credited with boosting sales of sex toys, driving women to hook-up sites and fueling a craze over sexual domination.
What’s behind the trilogy’s runaway success? The books hit the romance novel scene at just the right moment, insiders say, riding a wave of smart marketing and benefiting from the erotica world’s e-book savvy. Plus, if the plot and characters sounds a bit like “Twilight” fan fiction, it’s because they’re modeled after them.
The most potent (and obvious) factor is that sex sells, and kinky romances like “Fifty Shades” are sating women’s lust for erotica-lite, said Jaclyn Friedman, author of “What You Really Really Want: The Smart Girl’s Shame-Free Guide to Sex & Safety.”
“The popularity of ‘Fifty Shades’ speaks to the fact that the dominant model of mainstream pornography and ideas of sex are targeted at men. The fantasy starts when he’s into it and ends when he’s done,” she said.
“A lot of women have said that they’ve learned the most about what sex could be for them from erotica novels,” she said. “These stories focus on female desire and what’s in it for the woman, and there’s not a lot of that in mainstream culture.”
Whatever the case, sex has long been selling erotic tales, earning spots on best-seller lists and testing attitudes toward sexuality. The heroine in French author Pauline Reage’s “Story of O” consented to being whipped and branded more than 50 years before Anastasia Steele signed Christian Grey’s non-disclosure agreement and terms for becoming his submissive in “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
Columnist Leigh Newman looks at a few crucial lows that ensure we’ll reach the higher, more glory-filled peaks.
It’s one of life’s little horrible hangnails that gets infected and gives just about all of us gangrene of the soul. And yet it’s inevitable: Not everybody is going to love us. It won’t just be the lacrosse player we swooned over in eighth grade who didn’t know we were alive, or the soul mate in our 40s whom we dated and thought we’d marry until he explained — ugh, kindly — that he was interested in “something easier.” There’ll also be all those less-obvious others: the boss who doesn’t return our adoration, or the cool, funny mother in the mommy-and-me music class who never asked us to coffee even though we already asked her three times.
There’s no sense to a lopsided affection, and I’m certainly not going to say that the pain created is worthwhile in some cosmic way. It just sucks, but it also just is. The far bigger and more damaging heartache occurs afterward, when you hang around the non-adorers on Facebook, outside their houses, at the cafés they frequent — to find out if they really, truly don’t love you or if they’ll change their mind, which, unfortunately, they almost never do. They, in fact, will waltz on to new adventures, made uncomfortable by your expectant gazes.
But this is an agony you must experience, because while you can’t keep your heart from getting broken, you can stop breaking your own heart — over and over into little black bits — once you realize the difference between what you can control and what you can’t, and that it’s far, far more fun to lavish all that attention on your own self-worth.
Oprah.com: How to love more by caring less
2. The time you cast yourself as the rock
Most of life is really just a school play: a bunch of creative, hopeful, almost mature people standing alone, waiting to be told who to be and what to do by a commanding voice in the distant dark of the theater. At least once, most of us will skip the horrors of that audition and cast ourselves as the rock in the background.
This decision may be made due to fear (“I’d rather be safe and not-stared-at back here in my cardboard rock costume by the papier-mâché palm tree) or it may be made due to doubt (“I’m not a good enough singer to do a solo”), but either way, it lands you in the same place — crouched in a ball, wearing all gray and watching as somebody else dances and sings under the glory of the stage lights. Worse, the real pain is the understanding that it wasn’t the talent of the other kids or the favoritism of the director that put you back there. It was you: You didn’t raise your hand and try out.
Why, God, why is this moment necessary? I’d love to say that it’s because we’ll remember it when we’re later faced with the job-of-a-lifetime interview or the ridiculously handsome (single!) stranger or the coveted nomination for class parent — and thus put ourselves out there this time, boldly and unafraid. That may be true, but it’s not the reason why this horrible moment is so wonderfully crucial.
When we’re crouching there, frozen and unseen, we start naming all the qualities that should have made us a star, and this is the list we must keep with us for the rest of our lives, a list that only comes to us in that moment of self-imposed invisibility. Because paradoxically enough, when we do become the leading lady or man (and we will, eventually, in one kind of situation or another), and after we’ve been feted and applauded, what usually comes to mind is the list of reasons we should have been stuck back in the background. At that moment, you will have the previous list. Recite it loudly, believe it fully — and take a bow.
Oprah.com: Embrace your crazy, chaotic life
3. The time you talked out your tuchis
My friend Annie walked into a job interview for a marketing position and chatted enthusiastically about touchdowns and shoulder pads, only to find out 15 minutes later that Frankie’s Football Company was a soccer ball distributor because Frankie comes from Brazil. Another version: My neighbor Bella chatted to flirty, funny Dan all night about getting together for drinks in the neighborhood, only to find out the next week his name is really Don and he’s in AA. The embarrassment, the endless what-ifs that result after such crash-and-burn episodes– some people might say these experiences will teach us to do our research before opening our mouths. Maybe that’s true. But mortifications of this sort do have more immediate uses. For example, during the blunder, you might think to yourself, “Oh God, why didn’t I do my homework?” Right at that moment, you have the chance to answer that question specifically.
Maybe you didn’t do it because you were thinking about all the imagined perks (the job, the guy) that might result instead of the reality (this job, this guy). Maybe you were busy thinking about how much this opportunity would please somebody else (mom?). Most times, when you really, really desire something, you’ll find it sufficiently engaging to learn the vocabulary and facts needed to at least chat with authority about it — and it won’t be homework; it won’t even be a labor of love. It’ll just be the effortless act of discovering what already fascinates you.
Oprah.com: What marriage counselors want you to know about real love
4. The time you tried Mom’s face cream before the dance
This is a true story. I went to an all-girls school. Even among my own gender, I was not admired or sophisticated or attuned to the ways of womanhood. One Friday night, there was the Snowflake Dance, and, as it happened, I’d read an article in “Seventeen” (I was 15, of course) about the need to put on moisturizer before applying concealer. That morning, I took my mother’s Estée Lauder before-bed cream and rubbed it all over my cheeks and eyes, and then slathered on a number of other seductive-looking, exotic-smelling potions and pigments, all of which caused my skin to explode in hives two hours later. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but walking into a gym filled with teenage boys and (much tougher) teenage girls, your face the color and consistency of grated tomato, is a horror everybody should go through. Standing in a corner wanting to die will not make you a strong person. But it will make you realize that regardless of whether you laugh it off or hide or flee the scene, the result will be the same. The guy who’s going to like you will laugh with you. The guy who won’t will continue to dance with your best friend. No one dance changes much, just as later in life, no one night at a club or a benefit or a college reunion changes much. These are dark, drunken and, for the most part, predetermined events — regardless of the glitter ball and silver balloons. The sooner you bomb out at what you hoped would be the most Cinderella moment in life, the sooner you realize that real fairy tales begin at the dry cleaners or the dog park, places where you might actually meet a dark, handsome stranger and talk to him about what matters — why your mutt, for example, can just be called a mutt instead of shepherd-Lab mix. Because not everything in this life needs an upgrade.
Oprah.com: How to keep sleep from ruining your relationship
5. The time you said the totally wrong thing
Your best friend walked down the aisle with a rage-prone, ignorant dippo wearing flip-flops and a Hooters T-shirt… and you said, “Good luck!” Your mom adjusted her cancer wig… and you said, “Think of it like a hat. A hairy hat.” Your friend lost her dog, your husband lost his job, your son developed an allergy to wheat, eggs, fruit, milk and chicken… and you said, “It will be all right.” All these exchanges have one thing in common: You lay in bed at night afterward, sick with the knowledge that you expressed the last thing on earth that the people who count on you needed to hear. There is no glory in this, but there is valor — and not because you will somehow discover the right words to say later. There are no right words in some situations, and for many of us, moving our mouths into the shape of our thoughts will remain forever impossible. By failing to say the right thing, however, we’re forced to rely on other ways of talking: baking the casserole, giving the bath, holding the tissue or picking up the medicine. We are fluent in so many languages, including the one that lets us do the right thing.
Oprah.com: Finding the moment when life pours in
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Sunshine
Decoding those perplexing tag instructions on light.
-If the tag says direct light, the plant needs six or more hours of bright sunshine a day, hitting it head-on.
-If the tag says moderate light, the plant needs bright, direct sunshine only part of the time — about four hours a day.
-If the tag says indirect light, the plant needs to be kept a few feet away from pounding sun at all times. It wants only ambient light.
-If the tag says low light, the plant needs no direct sunshine and little ambient light. It’s happy in a room that never gets much sun.
Real Simple: Create a Table Floral Runner
North-facing windows don’t receive much light, southern windows tend to be sunny for much of the day, and eastern and western windows are sunny for part of the day. But, of course, trees, shrubs, and buildings can block light. Get to know the light in your home simply by observing it. That’s the best way to figure out what plants you can accommodate and where they should live.
Water
How often should I water my plants?
Because conditions vary, there’s no way to give hard-and-fast advice like “Water once a week.” Heat and sunlight specific to your home will dry out the soil at different rates. You’ll have to feel the soil with your finger. If the plant’s tag says, “Water steadily or evenly,” then water whenever the surface of the soil is dry to the touch. If the tag says, “Water moderately,” allow the top inch or so to dry out between waterings. One note: Don’t overwater. It’s as liable to kill a plant as underwatering.
Real Simple: Decorating With House Plants
What’s the best technique for watering?
Thoroughly saturate the soil until water comes out the bottom of the pot. (If the water is not reabsorbed within a day or so, empty out the saucer.) When you can, take plants to a sink or a tub and give them a soaking; most plants love this. (African violets are an exception.)
How can I remember to water?
Refill the watering can (or milk jug or any container you like) each time you finish watering, then leave it out as a reminder. This will also allow the water to come to room temperature and give additives (like fluoride) a chance to dissipate. Keep needy plants in plain sight so you don’t forget about them.
Real Simple: Window Treatments 101
Plants & containers
Healthy Leaves
When shopping for plants, be selective. Look for firm, healthy foliage and steer clear of anything too leggy (with more stem than leaves). Find some inspiration from Decorating With House Plants, for picks that are available in nurseries or grocery stores near you.
The right-size pot
When replanting, use a container the same size as the one the plant came in or two inches larger (a four-inch-diameter plant can go in a six-inch pot, a six-inch plant in an eight-inch pot). Too big a pot means too much soil that holds too much water — and this can rot the roots. Also, a pot should always have a drainage hole in the bottom.
Real Simple: Eclectic Home Décor Ideas
Smart materials
Terra-cotta is a durable classic, but also consider resin or fiberglass. These hold moisture longer (moisture evaporates through terra-cotta), which gives you a little advantage if you’re forgetful about watering. To protect floors and furniture, use saucers that are glazed on the inside. (Any glazed dish works just as well.)
How to repot a plant
As a practice, get your plants out of the plastic pots they’re sold in. Even humble terra-cotta is transforming. Before repotting, water thoroughly to hold the roots together.
Real Simple:15 Double-Duty Decorating Ideas
Step 1: With the stem between your fingers, carefully turn the pot upside down and gently coax the plant out of the pot. (If the plant is root-bound — lots of roots and barely any soil — ease out the roots and trim them by about half.)
Step 2: Place a stone or a shard of terra-cotta over the new pot’s drainage hole so the soil doesn’t wash out. Put an inch or so of potting mix in the pot. Center the plant inside.
Step 3: Fill in around the roots with potting mix. Use a chopstick or a pencil to tamp around the roots gently. Leave a quarter inch of space between the top of the soil and the rim of the pot. This will help hold water so it can slowly soak in and thoroughly moisten the soil.
Real Simple: Easy, Elegant Flower Arrangements
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Kathy Smith’s 10-year-old son, Mason, and his friends often ogle the buxom women and muscular male characters in video games. The boys make comments about the women’s breasts, but they also talk about the men, she says.
“They’ll zoom in on one of the guys and say, ‘Look how big his private parts are,’” says Smith. Now Mason often asks his mom, “When am I going to have a six-pack?” “I told him ten-year-olds don’t have six-packs,” says Smith. “He says he can’t wait until he’s twelve so he can work out on the adult floor of the gym. I try to stress that being healthy is the most important thing.”
Situations like this are all too common these days, and they’re affecting kids at younger and younger ages. When you think about the explicitly sexy images and themes children are exposed to in video games, television shows, and music videos, it’s hardly surprising that many start to imitate some of the behavior they see daily.
Idols like Miley Cyrus seem to morph overnight from wholesome Disney TV star to strutting video vamp in leather. Lindsay Lohan’s youngest fans know her as both the freckle-faced girl from The Parent Trap…and an out-of-control young woman in trouble with the law. What’s alarming is that new research shows that sexual images and messages can take a serious toll on your child’s well-being.
According to Diane Levin, Ph.D., coauthor of “So Sexy So Soon” and professor of education at Wheelock College, in Boston, the message kids are taking away from these images is that buying the “right” things and looking the “right” way — and, specifically, appealing to the opposite sex — are what determine their value as people. That message is a minefield for children.
Studies have shown that girls who are obsessed with their appearance are more likely to start smoking, become depressed, and develop an eating disorder as they get older.
When girls reach the teen years, those who value themselves only for their sexual attractiveness are more likely to do risky things, such as avoiding using condoms during sex, since they’re not comfortable asserting themselves in sexual situations. These girls are also less able to focus on academic tasks and physical activities.
Boys, meanwhile, are getting the message that they need to have an attractive girlfriend to be accepted. And those boys who feel they need to appear sexually active and tough to be considered cool may become depressed if they don’t measure up.
Thinking of the opposite sex in a romantic way at a young age is harmful because it sets kids up for earlier sexual activity and deprives them of friendship, says Jean Kilbourne, Ed.D., coauthor of “So Sexy So Soon”.
“When kids judge each other based on their looks, they don’t learn how to have caring, connected relationships,” she adds. Both boys and girls may be at risk of developing body-image problems and loss of self-esteem if they strive to look sexy when they’re still too young.
The good news is you can help your child navigate these minefields. “Kids are more connected to their parents than the media, so your message has more power,” says Lyn Mikel Brown, Ed.D., author of “Packaging Girlhood” and professor of education at Colby College, in Waterville, Maine.
You don’t need to have all the answers; simply acknowledging the pressures your child is facing is enough. The goal is to keep the lines of communication open so that when bigger issues come up, your child will feel safe talking with you, says Brown.
Here, parents and experts share their strategies for tackling some of the most troubling sexual dilemmas kids are facing today.
Parenting.com: What to expect when puberty hits
The dilemma: My 6-year-old son walked up to a girl and said, “I want to have sex with you!”
What to say: “Your son probably has no idea what the word [sex] means, so if you come down hard on him, it will be frightening and confusing,” says Kilbourne. Ask him why he said it and what he thinks it means. Chances are he doesn’t know, so you can give him an age-appropriate definition.
“Explain that the word ‘sex’ is used by grown-ups to talk about something only grown-ups do,” suggests Lydia Shrier, M.D., a physician in the Adolescent/Young Adult Clinic at Children’s Hospital Boston.
Encourage your son to talk to you about words he doesn’t understand. Since the source of many of these words is television, it may be helpful if you watch his favorite TV shows and movies with him, and discuss what he sees and hears.
In fact, a study showed that when parents watch a show and discuss it with their kids, they can influence the way children interpret the sexual messages on TV. Even shows young children watch, such as iCarly, Zoey 101, and Victorious, contain subtle sexual messages.
“Kids are confused about the messages they’re getting from TV,” says Levin. “We’re blaming children for saying and doing things that make perfect sense given what they’re exposed to. Adults need to stop punishing kids and help them try to understand what’s going on.”
That strategy worked for Christina Diehl when her 6-year-old son, Erich, told a girl at a family cookout that she was sexy. Diehl took him aside and calmly asked if he knew what the word meant. He thought about it for a minute and said, “She’s pretty.” Diehl told Erich she’d rather he used the word “pretty.”
“I said, ‘We don’t use the word ‘sexy’ when we talk to girls,’” recalls the mom of two from Long Valley, NJ. “I was upset because he didn’t know what the word meant. I’m worried that he will continue to say things he doesn’t understand, and people will get angry.”
The dilemma: My 9-year-old daughter wants to wear short skirts and midriff-baring tops to school, but I don’t want her to dress like a teenager.
What to say: Your immediate reaction might be to nix the trashy outfits, but you’re better off trying to figure out what would make your daughter happy.
“If you say no, your child might learn to do things behind your back,” says Levin. “If you let her feel like she has a voice, you’ll help her learn to live thoughtfully and responsibly.”
Ask your daughter why she wants to dress like this. If she says she’s worried that her friends — or boys — won’t like her if she doesn’t, ask if her girlfriends have the same problem and what they do.
Explain why you’re concerned and sympathize about how hard it is to live up to these standards. Then try to compromise. Maybe she can wear a short-but-not-too-short skirt with her favorite sweater. In the meantime, try to get her interested in something other than clothes.
Encourage her to participate in activities that will make her feel good about herself, such as gymnastics or the school play, and support her friendships with kids less concerned about appearances.
Annette Cavallone faced this situation recently when her 7-year-old daughter, Sara, wanted to tie up her shirt to expose her midriff at a soccer game.
“I asked her why, and she said the other girls wear their shirts like that, and she wants to show her belly because she’s skinny,” says the mother of three in Long Valley, New Jersey. “Sara thinks it’s cool to look like that, but she doesn’t understand what ‘sexy’ is. I said, ‘You’re here to play soccer; this isn’t a fashion show.’ And I mentioned that she wouldn’t be comfortable playing soccer that way. I’m wondering, where are these girls going to go from here if they’re dressing like teens now?”
Parenting.com” What your husband wants you to know about sex
The Dilemma: My 11-year-old son and 9-year-old daughter love listening to music and singing along with the lyrics. But how can I talk to them about sexually explicit lyrics like “bluffin’ with my muffin” from Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face,” or the “hoes” in rap songs like “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”?
What to say: You can’t always control the music your kids hear — and you don’t want to always be in a confrontational relationship with them — so the best way to handle it is to start with an open-ended, positive question like “Why do you like this music?”
Of course, they’ll tell you it’s cool or all their friends listen to it, but you need to welcome their opinions so your kids will listen to you when you tell them how you feel about the music, says Dr. Shrier.
Once you’ve heard them out, say you understand why they like it, then mention your objections. “You can say something like ‘I can see why you like the music, but I don’t like the way the singer talks about women,’” says Kilbourne, who herself had a discussion with her daughter about Eminem.
You might also point out that many rap artists try to create a tough image for themselves because it helps sell their music, adds Kilbourne. If your kids ask what the lyrics mean, put them in simple, age-appropriate terms they’ll understand, such as “‘hoe’ is not a nice way to describe someone,” says Dr. Shrier.
The Dilemma: Sometimes my eight-year-old daughter gets off the school bus wearing another girl’s makeup.
What to say: Nearly all girls play with their mom’s makeup and high heels, and “it’s a good way to explore adulthood in a safe environment,” says M. Gigi Durham, Ph.D., author of “The Lolita Effect”.
But wearing makeup to school or outside the house is another matter. Tell her you noticed she was wearing makeup when she got off the bus, and ask her why she put it on.
Hear her out first, suggests Dr. Shrier, then you can say something like “I don’t think kids your age should be wearing makeup, because it’s for grown-ups. Grownups might do it to feel prettier, but it doesn’t look the same way on a young person.”
Keep in mind that some parents do let their girls wear lip gloss to school, so it’s important to remind your daughter that families have different rules and that you do what you think is best for your child.
If your daughter still feels strongly about wearing makeup, let her pick out some lip balm so she has the sensation of wearing lip gloss to school. “She’ll feel like she made a choice and won’t start hiding it behind your back,” says Brown.
If there’s one simple rule for counteracting some of the harmful messages children are receiving from popular culture, it’s this: Praise your children for what they do well — not just for how they look.
We can’t deny that it’s important to feel attractive, especially in a culture where looks are so highly valued. But it’s even more important that children are recognized for their accomplishments, so they realize that their looks aren’t everything.
Parenting.com: How to talk to your kid about sexting
The Dilemma: My 10-year-old son feels pressure to ask girls on dates, but I know he’s not ready yet.
What to say: Ask your son why he feels that way and what he really wants to do. “Hear him out in a supportive way, then let him know how you feel about dating at a young age,” advises Dr. Shrier. “You might say something like ‘It sounds like you feel you should do this, but it might not be the right choice for you. Your dad and I can help you decide.”
When you talk with your child in a collaborative way, it will help keep the lines of communication open. Find out what “going on a date” means to him.
“It’s important not to make any assumptions about what he wants to do with a girl,” says Dr. Shrier. He might just want to talk to her. If that’s the case, perhaps he can invite a group of friends over and include her.
Scott Costello’s mom, Lisa, is worried about her son’s popularity. Girls chase the 10-year-old around the playground, and moms tell Costello their daughters are in love with Scott.
“Girls call and hang up if he doesn’t answer,” says the mother of three from Summit, New Jersey. “He’s only in fourth grade, and this is ridiculous. I feel like the attention he’s getting from girls is taking away his innocence.”
Parenting.com: How to protect your child from sexual predators
Relax, it’s normal! (By Jennifer Kelly Geddes)
Asking about sex, experimenting with makeup, repeating a risqué phrase they hear at school — you can expect all these things. Here are a few more activities and behaviors you can chalk up to kids just being kids.
⢠6 to 8 Years Old: Dressing up like grown-ups (instead of princesses or cowboys); playacting, such as pretending to go out to a club or mimicking other things seen on television.
⢠8 to 10 Years Old: Taking the clothes off dolls; having dolls or action figures kiss each other (such as pretending that Barbie is smooching Ken or Spider-Man); using dolls or action figures to imitate romantic scenes from TV or movies.
⢠10 to 12 Years Old: Looking at gossip magazines; cutting out photos of singers, actors, or other celebrities; hand-holding with first boyfriends or girlfriends.
Girls are entering puberty earlier (By Beth Weinhouse)
American girls are beginning puberty at earlier ages than previously noted — some between the ages of 7 and 9. There are various factors contributing to the shift, but there are also steps we can take to keep our daughters healthy no matter when they enter puberty.
1. Make sure your child has regular checkups so that any problem is detected early. In some cases, starting puberty prematurely may be a sign of an underlying illness or hormonal problem. Be sure your children see their doctor regularly so their growth and development can be monitored.
2. Help your daughter maintain a healthy weight by encouraging nutritious food choices and regular exercise. “It does appear that the change [girls' entering puberty younger] is driven in part by higher body mass index, or BMI,” says Frank Biro, M.D., director of the division of adoescent medicine at Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center. Body fat is linked to increased hormone levels.
3. Minimize exposure to the hormone-disrupting chemicals found in many plastics. More studies are being done about this potential cause of early puberty, but right now experts believe it’s prudent to minimize your family’s exposure to the phthalates common in so many plastics.
What about boys? Boys tend to enter puberty later than girls, and their age of puberty onset doesn’t seem to be changing.
Parenting.com: How texting changes the way kids communicate
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Copyright 2011 The Parenting Group. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.
Editor’s note: Rose Arce is a senior producer in CNN’s New York bureau and a contributor to Mamiverse, a website for Latinas and their families. She was a senior producer of “Latino in America 2,” which re-airs July 22 on CNN.
Not just any beach but that New York Mecca for wealthy, sun-tanned gay party boys called Fire Island. Luna, our daughter, was with her two mommies adoringly decorating a ceramic plate to celebrate their day. “I Love Papa and Daddy,” she painted on their gift.
Papa and Daddy have it good.
Rene and Dan were there for her first words and steps. They get to watch her blow out years of birthday candles and play cute for the camera when holiday photos come around. They get to revel in the unconditional love between father and child. But their fatherhood comes without months of diaper changing, years of sleep deprivation, shut down social lives and hours lost to temper tantrums. There are no piles upon piles of bills for clothes and sitters and school.
This daddy windfall came their way about eight years ago when my partner, Maria, and I decided to search for a male friend to make it possible for our two-gal family to make a baby. Rene was our first and only choice.
We had met him playing volleyball and devoted entire weekends on Fire Island to refining our skills in the sand and chugging a rainbow of chilly alcoholic drinks. We’d had a blast with this guy. We had wanted someone who is Latino, like us, fun and handsome and smart, loving and kind. We wanted a guy who loved children and understood the importance of having a father in your life but wasn’t looking to play that role full-time.
Rene was all those things with his long lashes and full red lipsâthe child genius from the tightly knit family who had lost his father way too young and cared for his little brother and mom lovingly. Somehow we could see that guy inside the perpetually tanned volleyball setter in the multicolored Brazilian Speedo.
He was also in a long-term, stable relationship with Dan, another handsome renaissance guy who had been a successful chef and restaurant owner and left it all to become a hair colorist. We asked, they were into it, and one day over drinks we clinked glasses and launched a family. If only every life decision was so easy.
We didn’t talk many details beyond the major one — that we were grateful for the help making our family, but that this was our child. We signed sterile donor agreements and looked each other in the eye while we explained papa would cede paternal rights so my partner could complete a second parent adoption. We also promised they would still be daddy and papa, ever present in the baby’s life. Laws are never adequate replacements for trust.
We figured it might take years for there to be an actual baby. Over the next two weeks, I got tested for every possible health barrier to pregnancy and a stern-faced fertility specialist told me I should start with in vitro fertilization.
The idea of a known donor was, to this doctor, risky and unconscionable, without a battery of testing and leaving the sperm in quarantine for 12 months. Meanwhile, Rene began wearing loose underwear and got all sorts of tests that declared his sperm A-OK.
We were prepared to wait a year, but during a routine exam that week my internist of 15 years suggested another plan. “You have no fertility problem,” he said. “And this guy is totally healthy. Why not do this thing yourself.”
The next week, less than a month after our first parenthood discussion, we decided on a dry run. Afraid we would all be too nervous, we figured we’d practice. Dan ordered Rene to take it seriously and chill on the drinking or smoking. My partner insisted I take vitamins and supplements, even though it was totally the wrong time of the month to conceive.
We had many friends in varied situations who had spent years trying to get pregnant so we wanted to start this long-haul process all right. Rene came over for the practice session before rushing off to the airport on a business trip. He came in and out of the bathroom in lightning speed and emerged red-faced to hand us a cup that looked nearly empty. He ran off while Maria and I laid in bed laughing at how silly this whole process would be and calculating the potential costs of long-term IVF. I tested pregnant 10 days later.
After nine months of feeding me grotesque health shakes and six baby showers (including one on Fire Island), the papas found themselves pacing outside the delivery room as Maria cut the umbilical cord and baby Luna cried out for the first time. In her first five minutes of life, she had been wept over by four new parents.
I was lying there with 6 pounds, 10 ounces of mini-Rene, an appearance she has not shaken for seven years. She walks and talks like him and inherited his good looks and shy manner. Yet she found no complexity to the composition of her extended family.
A judge signed her over as Maria’s legal daughter while she was a tiny baby cooing in her “I love my Moms” T-shirt. We received a birth certificate with both our names. But that was nowhere near as significant as how she explained it at age 3: “My parents are two mommies but they needed help to have a baby, so I have two Daddies too.”
It was all very simple for her, even as it had its odd moments for us. Rene and I are sometimes thrown together at formal events and it’s challenging to explain why we are so close. We both often smile and say “this is my baby’s mama or baby’s papa” which leads either to uncomfortable confusion or laughter from people who know the real story and get the irony.
We are both Latinos, a community plagued by high rates of unwanted pregnancies and single motherhood. It’s ironic to us that I’m legally classified as a single mom when our daughter has an abundance of parents.
Her little friends find it funny as well. Some marvel at the idea of having “extra” parents and quantify the extra Christmas and birthday presents. The adults long for so much babysitting. Our families are overjoyed we’ve shattered the expectation that gay kids don’t give you grandkids. And who wouldn’t want four sets of doting grandparents and a legion of uncles and aunts?
A Latina mom’s baby-sitting lament
We got really lucky with this double daddy windfall too. The boys step up to the plate on all sorts of tasks big and small, even though they aren’t obliged to share the many burdens of full-time parenthood. They’ve become masters of arts and crafts, makers of oatmeal, singers of monotonous child songs. They don’t even mind the endless cupcake making and homework doing. The occasional family photo refuels their patience.
Meanwhile, she thinks they hang the moon. When they bought a country home last year, they designated a room for her with a comfy twin bed and a lazy stuffed bunny in an antique rocking chair. She was all over it.
Last weekend we visited and she spent a full day dragging them around by the hand — to do the gardening, barbecue burgers, paint ceramics and shop. She rode a bike all by herself for the first time as everyone cheered her on. This kid will never complain of not getting enough attention with four camera phones pointed at her to send a record of her every accomplishment off into the world of grandparents and Facebook and Instagram.
Not every gay family would have things this way. Some women we know preferred anonymous donors because they wanted clarity all around. Some men prefer to have only children that are exclusively their own. We like our choice. We are undeniably Luna’s parents, but there is a special place for the daddies, forged by our trust and enriched by her love.
She knows where she came from and that the daddies made it happen. And so do we.
How the Clyfford Still Museum came to exist is nearly as compelling as the paintings on its walls. Still agreed to give away all his art in his possession to an American city that agreed to keep the entire collection intact after his death. He died in 1980.
Still is credited with being a pioneer of the abstract impressionist movement in the early 20th century. Yet the breadth of his artistic reach remains a mystery.
The museum, which opened in the fall, can only exhibit a small fraction of Still’s artwork — considered the most intact body of work of any major artist. Curators are going through dozens of rolled-up canvases found in his Maryland farmhouse after his widow’s death in 2005. These have never before been seen in public.
“A lot of the work is just starting to happen now, getting deeper into those paintings and the rolls, doing inventories and learning and trying to understand, if we ever can, what Clyfford Still set out to do,” said museum director Dean Sobel.
Birth of an artist
Born in 1904, Still grew up in rural Washington state and Alberta, Canada. His early work in the 1930s reflects his environment: rugged farmhands and laborers toiling away during the Great Depression.
His art would quickly begin to morph into a style that would become known as abstract expressionism.
“What starts to happen in the later ’30s and early ’40s is he abstracts those figures and the landscapes they stay in, and he moves closer and closer to his abstract expressionist style,” Sobel said.
After spending time in California and gaining notice for his increasingly abstract paintings, he moved to the hub of the American art world: New York.
There, artists such as Jackson Pollock, Willem de Kooning and Mark Rothko were also moving toward abstraction.
“Clyfford Still is among the first to develop an expressionist abstraction and not one that’s geometric or hard-edged based on cubes or rectangles,” Sobel said. Still’s style of abstract expressionism, according to Sobel, showed that “the material of art itself can be expressive as much as the scale and the imagery you include within the painting.”
By the late 1940s, the art world was beginning to take notice of Still and the new abstract expressionism movement. Collectors began to pay large sums for the paintings, and newspapers and magazines featured large articles on these exciting new painters.
Walking away from fame, fortune
In 1951, as he was becoming a force in the art world, Still simply dropped out.
“He writes his dealer at that time and says quite politely and with all respect that he is going to remove himself from the commercial aspect of the art world,” Sobel said.
In a letter to his agent, Betty Parsons, Still wrote: “Exposing my work (to) a network of associations and evaluations entirely at variance with the implications of my act in painting are brought to bear. I find these not only futile but disturbing in many ways.”
Still had no intention of giving up on his art: His goal was to focus more on the art and not be distracted or derailed by money and fame.
“It’s hard for us to understand because now in the 21st century, celebrity and notoriety and I guess the Warholian ’15 minutes of fame’ we take for granted,” Sobel said. “But at that time, it surprised many of these artists how much attention they were getting.
“When fame and money and careerism enter into the picture, it changes things,” he said. “Friends become enemies, and I think in the case of Clyfford Still it began to become a negative effect.”
Still stayed in New York for the rest of the 1950s, and then in 1961 he moved to rural Maryland, where he would live out the rest of his life, painting prolifically but largely out of public view.
In Maryland, he painted hundreds of large canvases, plus drawings and pastels while spending time with his children and pursuing his other passions — cars and baseball.
There were occasional gallery exhibitions, including a major show at New York’s Museum of Modern Art in 1979 shortly after he was diagnosed with cancer.
“There probably was a sense of his own mortality in the late 1970s, and certainly when he did his major exhibition at the Metropolitan Museum in New York, I think he must have known that that would be his last exhibition,” Sobel said.
Yet Still refused to sell his paintings and became committed to keeping the bulk of his art together.
A rebirth
Still died in 1980 of colon cancer at age 75. At the time of his death, he was largely a mystery to fans of abstract expressionist art, but he left behind a tantalizing handwritten will that would ensure his legacy in the decades to come.
“His will is revealed to say that he will give away everything in his possession, which was 94% of everything he ever made, 825 paintings, 1,600 drawings and his complete archive to an American city that will build permanent quarters to house it, show it, take care of it,” Sobel said.
Before her death, his widow, Patricia Still, chose Denver as the site of the museum. The facility, which opened in November, is housed in a new minimalist modern building in downtown Denver and, as Patricia Still stipulated, it has no auditorium, cafe or gift shop.
As curators began to examine Still’s paintings at his Maryland farmhouse, they were surprised to find dozens of paintings unceremoniously scattered about the residence.
“This was a surprise to all of us, that Mrs. Still was living in and around what were mostly rolled canvases, and probably feeling a bit enshrined in what were 80 huge rolled canvases around her,” Sobel said.
Decades after his death, Still created a sensation within the art world. In 2011, the museum was authorized to auction four of Still’s paintings to help finance construction. The paintings netted a stunning $114 million, with one of the paintings going for more than $61 million.
The museum is forcing art historians to re-examine Still and his place in 20th century art, according to art scholar and the museum’s adjunct curator, David Anfam.
“The revelations of the Clyfford Still Museum’s holdings make it clear that the artist easily ranks in the pantheon of abstract expressionists such as Jackson Pollock, Mark Rothko and Willem de Kooning,” Anfam said.
He said the artwork is also uniquely engaging to the general public.
“Even if you know next to nothing about abstract art, I find hard to imagine that anyone could fail to see that they are packed with powerful emotions, ranging from horror to beauty and lyricism,” Anfam said.
Walking through the galleries, it’s hard to believe the works of such a major artist spent so much of his life out of public view. In the end, his legacy may be even larger than the impact of his art alone.
“One of the magical things about the Clyfford Still Museum is that sense when you look at the galleries, that most of the material had never been seen before by anyone,” Sobel said.
Still’s decision to keep his artwork intact and reveal it to the public decades after his death is what Sobel called “an example and a model for how you can conduct yourself as an artist.”
“How you can determine your own destiny, how you can create sacrifices for yourself that have larger payoffs later, and even a kind of determination in what you are doing I think has been redefined since Clyfford Still walked this planet.” Sobel said.
“I think he even knew that he would have the last laugh in terms of his contemporaries who had really sold themselves out very early and left very little secrets.”
Who is a little-known but influential artist to you and why? Let us know in the comments below!
“It really was the most courageous thing that I had to do,” she said.
The couple met in college and married young. They settled down in a rambling, split-level house in the leafy suburbs of northern Virginia and raised two sons, now grown. But they struggled over the years to communicate and connect, they say, and they slowly grew apart.
When one son and his wife had a child, Margie spent more than eight months living in Pennsylvania helping out with the baby. It was during her time there that she realized how much she preferred living on her own.
“We really did struggle,” she said. “We gave it our best shot. We really tried. We were no strangers to marriage counseling, when it came to that, and individual counseling, but there just wasn’t the glue to hold it together anymore, for me.”
Dick agreed.
“It was always sort of lurking in the background there,” he said. “When Margie put it on the table it just seemed like, OK, yeah, we really should do this, and let’s try to do it right.”
Baby boomers looking for love online
The Whites’ story is part of a larger trend. Even as divorce rates for the general population have stabilized over the past several decades, they are on the rise among baby boomers. Divorce rates among couples over 50 have doubled in the last 20 years, according to a study by Bowling Green State University. In 1990, fewer than one in 10 people who divorced were 50 or older. In 2009, that figure was one in four.
Using data from the federal government’s 2009 American Community Survey, the study also looked at the demographics of divorce and found that rates for those over 50 were highest among black couples and lowest among white couples. Hispanics fell in the middle. Older adults who divorced also tended to be less educated than those who remained married.
The authors identified several factors that could explain the rising rates, from longer life spans to the changing marital biographies of many baby boomers. They found the divorce rate for those who were in their second or third marriage was 2.5 times higher than for those in first marriages.
“Increasingly, these are baby boomers. They were the first generation to come of age when we saw the rapid acceleration in premarital cohabitation and divorce rates in the 1970s and the early 1980s,” said co-author Susan L. Brown.
She also pointed to boomers’ changing ideas about marriage.
“We have high expectations for what constitutes a good marriage today and we’re looking for self-fulfillment and individual happiness in our relationships,” Brown said. “When you are 60, 65 you retire, (and say) ‘Well, I can live another 20, 25 years. Do I want to spend my life with that person? Is she or he making me happy?’ And if not, well, divorce is a viable alternative.”
Dick White, now 62, said members of his generation are used to getting what they want and that what many boomers want is changing now that they are entering a new phase of life.
“There was a joke that one of the retirement counselors made at a seminar that I went through as part of my retirement planning,” he said. “The counselor said that couples will look at each other and say, ‘Well, I married you for life, but not for lunch.’ That, OK, now you have all day looking at each other, trying to deal with each other. What do we do for lunch? Previously, you kind of went through your business day in your own world and you got together in the evening for family time, children time, relationship time. Now you have deal with each other for all day long, and that’s different. And can you do it for another 20 years? Maybe not.”
New Beginnings: A divorced and separated persons support group
Doing it “right”
While the Whites decided their marriage was over, that didn’t mean their relationship was. Dick lives just a few miles away from Margie and still helps out with maintenance at the home they once shared. When Margie was in a minor car accident recently, Dick was the first person she called.
“I feel like it’s worked out the best for both of us, because living together didn’t work for us at all well,” Margie said. “We used to joke about how maybe if we had a duplex maybe we’d get along better. But this is actually better.”
Both said part of the reason they have been able to maintain a positive relationship in the six months since their divorce was the way they went about the process. The Whites had a so-called “collaborative divorce.” Each had his or her own lawyer, but they used a neutral financial planner and mental health professional to help them get through the process smoothly. Collaborative divorces aim to avoid the traditional adversarial route of most divorces. And while a judge has to sign off on the agreement to make it official, the process is meant to avoid courtroom fights.
“We worked it out. We wrote it down,” Dick explained. “The lawyers put the proper language on it, and we sent it to the court. It says, ‘We’ve already decided what we want to do with the rest of our lives. Now please, your honor, sign.’”
Divorce over 50 raises important issues
The rise in newly single boomers like the Whites raises important issues, from loneliness and financial concerns to dealing with failing health in their later years.
“When these folks face health challenges, they are not going to have a spouse at the ready to provide for them,” Brown said. “Traditionally in America, that is what we’ve relied on. The No. 1 caregiver has been the spouse.”
Caregiving for loved ones the ‘new normal’ for boomers
The Whites both take precautions now that they are living alone. Margie has a friend she e-mails each morning to let her know she’s OK, while Dick religiously carries his cell phone while working around the house in case he falls and gets hurt.
Those concerns aside, both Margie and Dick have taken advantage of their new lives. Margie, who is retired but works part-time as a nanny, is learning about Buddhist meditation, while Dick joined a boat club and now rows several times a week on a nearby reservoir. He also teaches pottery classes near his home. They have begun to wade into the dating world, but aren’t necessarily looking to get married again.
“Hope springs eternal, doesn’t it?” Margie said. “I would like to have a life partner. I don’t know about marriage. I think the statistics for a second marriage are grimmer than they are for the first. I certainly would like to have a special someone in my life.”
Dick said he does not define himself by whether he is married or not.
“That’s a particular legal statement that doesn’t necessarily in itself matter. It’s the relationships that matter.”